May 2017… seven days in…

It has been forever. We won’t talk about that. I’ve had a lot of highs but recently I’ve experienced some of the lowest of lows. Let’s talk about the highs. I have a niece. Her name is Burrito. I kid, I kid… that’s what EYE call her. Her name is Soraya and she is my EVERYTHING. I love her to pieces. As of today, she’s 6 months old. She’ll be 7 months old on the 12th. She’s the reason I’m considering coming back to California early. There’s a him. I like him. He likes me. That’s all I’m gonna say for now. Work is going well. The lows… not even gonna type them out. But it got really, really, REALLY bad. I’m almost in tears typing this just thinking about how rough it got. I’ve never felt so helpless and alone. EVER.
And then there was this weekend. I experienced something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Disappointment. See, disappointment is different from hurt. At least to me. I’ve been hurt. Men. Fake friends. Bosses. Coworkers. I know hurt. But disappointment, to me, is worse. Disappointment means at some point in time, I dropped my walls and let you in. I actually cared about you. You mattered some way, shape, or form in my life. And then you let me down. Anyone can hurt your feelings. But very few can disappoint.

This weekend, three people really let me down. And I’m not talking about a promise to pick you up from the airport and last minute canceling… I’m talking about – wow… thought we were something like friends, now I really need to reevaluate and honestly, truly just cut you off and let you go. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll cut anyone off quickly and think nothing of it. But these three different people all decided to fuck up this weekend. And I really wasn’t ready.

I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t use the term friend for just anyone. If I call you my friend, you are really my friend. I thought these people were my friends. Gotta get it together, learn from this, and regroup. Also gonna reevaluate everyone who’s around now. Because I’d take hurt over disappointment any day. Disappointment sucks.

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